|
Astronomy
Download this file
If programming languages were religions...
C would be Judaism - it's old and restrictive, but most of the world is
familiar with its laws and respects them. The catch is, you can't convert
into it - you're either into it from the start, or you will think that it's
insanity. Also, when things go wrong, many people are willing to blame the
problems of the world on it.
Java would be Fundamentalist Christianity - it's theoretically based on C,
but it voids so many of the old laws that it doesn't feel like the original
at all. Instead, it adds its own set of rigid rules, which its followers
believe to be far superior to the original. Not only are they certain that
it's the best language in the world, but they're willing to burn those who
disagree at the stake.
*PHP* would be *Cafeteria Christianity* - Fights with Java for the web
market. It draws a few concepts from C and Java, but only those that it
really likes. Maybe it's not as coherent as other languages, but at least it
leaves you with much more freedom and ostensibly keeps the core idea of the
whole thing. Also, the whole concept of "goto hell" was abandoned.
C++ would be Islam - It takes C and not only keeps all its laws, but adds a
very complex new set of laws on top of it. It's so versatile that it can be
used to be the foundation of anything, from great atrocities to beautiful
works of art. Its followers are convinced that it is the ultimate universal
language, and may be angered by those who disagree. Also, if you insult it
or its founder, you'll probably be threatened with death by more radical
followers.
C# would be Mormonism - At first glance, it's the same as Java, but at a
closer look you realize that it's controlled by a single corporation (which
many Java followers believe to be evil), and that many theological concepts
are quite different. You suspect that it'd probably be nice, if only all the
followers of Java wouldn't discriminate so much against you for following
it.
Lisp would be Zen Buddhism - There is no syntax, there is no centralization
of dogma, there are no deities to worship. The entire universe is there at
your reach - if only you are enlightened enough to grasp it. Some say that
it's not a language at all; others say that it's the only language that
makes sense.
Haskell would be Taoism - It is so different from other languages that many
people don't understand how can anyone use it to produce anything useful.
Its followers believe that it's the true path to wisdom, but that wisdom is
beyond the grasp of most mortals.
*Erlang *would be *Hinduism* - It's another strange language that doesn't
look like it could be used for anything, but unlike most other modern
languages, it's built around the concept of multiple simultaneous deities.
*Perl* would be *Voodoo* - An incomprehensible series of arcane incantations
that involve the blood of goats and permanently corrupt your soul. Often
used when your boss requires you to do an urgent task at 21:00 on friday
night.
*Lua* would be *Wicca* - A pantheistic language that can easily be adapted
for different cultures and locations. Its code is very liberal, and allows
for the use of techniques that might be described as magical by those used
to more traditional languages. It has a strong connection to the moon.
*Ruby *would be *Neo-Paganism* - A mixture of different languages and ideas
that was beaten together into something that might be identified as a
language. Its adherents are growing fast, and although most people look at
them suspiciously, they are mostly well-meaning people with no intention of
harming anyone.
*Python* would be *Humanism*: It's simple, unrestrictive, and all you need
to follow it is common sense. Many of the followers claim to feel relieved
from all the burden imposed by other languages, and that they have
rediscovered the joy of programming. There are some who say that it is a
form of pseudo-code.
*COBOL* would be *Ancient Paganism* - There was once a time when it ruled
over a vast region and was important, but nowadays it's almost dead, for the
good of us all. Although many were scarred by the rituals demanded by its
deities, there are some who insist on keeping it alive even today.
*APL* would be *Scientology* - There are many people who claim to follow it,
but you've always suspected that it's a huge and elaborate prank that got
out of control.
*LOLCODE* would be *Pastafarianism* - An esoteric, Internet-born belief that
nobody really takes seriously, despite all the efforts to develop and spread
it.
*Visual Basic* would be *Satanism *- Except that you don't REALLY need to
sell your soul to be a Satanist...